(part blog-post, and part notes towards a longer work….)
So the other day I was moved, upon waking, to start the coffee brewing and instead of plopping onto the Computer Chair… I sat down upon the Couch.
The Second-hand Couch of Love, to give it it’s proper name, was given to us by some friends as a part of that inexorable tidal-like flow whereby a couple newly moved into an apartment with empty space has a lot of their friends and acquaintances stuff start to move into it.
“Hey they need a couch, we have a perfectly-good-if-slightly-worn one, lets give them ours and then we can get a ~new~ couch!!”
“They need dishes, I have that spare set in the garage…”
Which is how
“Honey we need…” and “Baby, do we have…”
“Where in the heck are we going to put….?!”
Anyway, I sat myself down on the Second-hand Couch of Love, set the timer on my cell phone for 10 minutes, and breathed. I tried to focus on my breath, but even first thing after waking my mind was bubbling forth. I spent my time focusing and trying to breathe… feeling and acknowledging the deep desire to smoke…
…it used to be just a Cigar or two a week, lately it’s been Cigars and Cigarettes and all too often… but that’s thinking… I breathe in, I breathe out… I settle into my body and focus on my breath, except I really need to start that daily walking practice I’ve been talking about, the trails near the house are nice and…. that’s thinking… breathing…in and out… my mind wanders off towards work and like a shepherd with a wayward lamb I herd it back…
Overall an interesting way to spend my first 10 minutes or so of my day. I then sat down and started my daily logbook/journal… a practice I have been wavering in an out of over the last few months, partly due to the craziness of work schedules and partly from the re-evaluation of my practices that came with the Spiritual New Years of the Solstice….
I find it interesting how very difficult I find it to break myself to the yoke of regular seated silent meditation practice. Especially given how easy I used to find it to Center, Drop Attention, and go for long walks along the trails and sidewalks of Anchorage. I could easily enter a place of deep stillness in my mind and heart while walking along at a good pace attention open and focused on my breath and the ocasional sight before my eyes…
Being blessed with ADHD I am aware that ADD and ADHD are not about not being able to focus, but more about not being able to control ones focus… I can focus on things with a laser-like intensity… I just don’t have very good control over the targeting of that focus, or the dial that controls intensity. Sometimes it seems like I get more peaceful and centered with a few short moments of conscious breathing, or with dropping and centering my attention and going for a short walk, than I do when I try to sit in silence.
I have certainly noticed that my ability to control my focus, has grown as I practice even short moments of mindfulness. At the same time I find myself drawn to continually attempt silent meditation. Seated silent meditation…
So I sit and I breathe and I try to let the thoughts float away and return to my breathing.
I need to contemplate this some more, and to sit in silence…