Bursting the Dam!

Dear Friends and Pagani,

So I haven’t posted in a while as dear Jonathan has pointed out… on the one hand I had been wanting to be more personal with this blog, on the other hand I haven’t exactly been filled with the creative spirit… well in some respects I have but well … ok so i’m a little out of practice here…  I’ve been jotting things down on a yellow legal pad… and puttering around on other strands of the Internet… and now like a weary spider I am returning to my own little corner of the web…

Some of my jottings…

Fear and hurt and a strong layer of why-the-heck-bother have enveloped me lately.  Not constantly mind you!  I am hardly some walking wounded soul in a constant state of agonized heartache.  More like comfortably numb (only without the aid of fabulous medication, sorry kids not too glamorous these days…) with occasional highs and lows, as I run about finding distractions from heartache and its causes.

I laugh, I have good times, I enjoy myself.  I have imerssed myself in a favorite movie and a favorite book, and in fun with friends and flirting with bears; especially this one dude.  I am enjoying a new job and moved into a new place and am puttering about with a new altar and am trying to figure out what furniture and goods I need first.  I’ve written some, somewhat angsty poetry mostly, but still, reaching out and trying to touch and be touched by the fundamental powers of Creation through creative arts.

But, they are still there… the fear and the hurt and the heartache are still there clinging to me like a veil or a caul that I must fight or chew my way through as I struggle to resurface to myself.

~~~

I like ____ a lot and in some way that scares me because if I truly and deeply care for and about him, for and about anything, I can be hurt.

I don’t want to be hurt anymore, or again.

But there isn’t really life without some pain, and no adventure without fear, no love without heartache.

Knowing this why do I hesitate?

The heartache is too near, the fear’s sharp taste too recently on my lips, the pain still too fresh in my hearts memories.

He is good and smart and funny and kinky and geeky and just the bee’s knees.  I just hope he can be patient.

~~~

My heart beats in my chest like a broken birds wing.  He’s trying to take flight, he’s trying to sing.  Then it stutters and coughs and flutters and fails  Against the bars of the cage of my own heartbreak.

How do you hammer out a broken heart?  When does heartache end and how do I start?  How do I hammer out a broken heart?

I coule really, really, really fall for you.  But my fear holds me back and apart from you.  In my pain I don’t know what to do, or what to say.  I am lost at cross-roads without a clue.

How do you hammer out a broken heart?  When does heartache end and how do I start?  How do I hammer out a broken heart?

So then I spin in a Circle and I start to pray. ” Help me heal my heart and guide my way.”  My heart he wants to fly again, to risk again.  To live, to learn, to laugh and love again.

How do you hammer out a broken heart?  When does heartache end and how do I start?  How do you hammer out a broken heart?

~~~

.. so those are some of my recent jottings and writings on what’s been going on in my life…

I’ve slowly been re-imersing myself in the blogosphere and reading entries that have reminded me that there are big events and changes going on in the world, that sometimes the luminous numinous beauty and wonder of creation can knock us on our fannies if we let it, and that there is always joy.

Peace,

Pax

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3 thoughts on “Bursting the Dam!

  1. Pax, Pax, Pax. It’s like my Momma always said that if you love something, you should set them free, and if they don’t return, hunt the bitch down and shoot them like a dog! Course Daddy always said don’t trust nothing that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. Which has nothing to do with anything, but here’s my point. You dear bear found yourself a keeper…I mean from what I can read in your blog, not that I would know first hand. I mean just cause you and him are talking about what your wedding would look like (again not that I am privy to your private conversations). I think you just need to snap outta it (very Cher) and let that bear love you the best he can, and enjoy it. Its rare to find someone who can make you laugh, and I bet he just lights up everytime he sees its you calling. And I bet truth be told you light up when its him on the phone. And if I remember you said he is a fantastic kisser. I bet he’ll wait.

    • And THAT, folks, is Jonathan. He’s cute, a great kisser, and blushing furiously once he realizes that this last comment received automatic approval and is probably already being read by various friends of mine. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

  2. You can’t scare me Mr! I’ll get you and your little dog too….if you had a little dog that is. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! And I am not blushing! So there!

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