So I just finished an automatic-writing/ journaling exercise inspired by one of the exercises in Kissing the Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle…(seriously, if you’re mystically inclined go out and buy it!)
I wrote about my relationship with money, my self-destructive patterns of behavior, family issues, how in the end I am the one responsible for my choices and actions so why did I keep (silently, to myself anyway) try to find excuses or some triggering past event; you know, the usual stuff that starts oozing and seeping out once you start squeezing your subconscious on a topic. A couple of sentences that stood out in particularly were…
I have this deeply seated feeling of not being worthy. This sense of if I get crap I somehow deserve it.
Wow! I am just SUCH a ray of Effin’ sunshine, aren’t I?!? I can see the insanity of such an idea… I’m just not sure what to do with it.
I’ve been continuing with my prayers and trying to add meditation to my regular/daily list of spiritual practices; along with some other excercises from Thorn’s Book. (and tweaking them to adjust for my own metaphisical and magical experiences and past) Breathing in Life energy, placing it into a challice of water and drinking from it. Deep breathing meditations and staring into a candle flame… breathing new life into my energy bodies and chakra’s.
As I write this I am finding other little bits of toxic thought and feeling flittering to the surface… pettyness, fear, hatefulness, selfishness, lazyness…
These qualities and the thoughts and feelings I personally associate with them are as much a part of me as the beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, and mirth and reverence that I as a Witch have tried to cultivate within myself.
I may not have the money for therapy (which I think most folks should try for at least a little while)… but I have tools and techniques and dear friends and the Gods… I think I am more than ready to start dealing with some of this stuff!
The rather encouraging thing is I think I’m at a point in my life where I am ready to actually remember those tools and allies!