Dear friends, and fellow Pagans,
So the Big Guy has been sick in the Hospital for the last week, he’s home now, and well. But I didn’t want to talk about it. Not even to close and dear old friends, not even with the Gods….
…I didn’t pray, I was too afraid, to paralyzed by fear and a desperate sense or powerlessness, to surrender my fear over unto the Gods…
Well, I didn’t formally pray…
It was more of a constant draining worry and fear that I did my best to hold at bay by remembering to Breath in Life and to open myself to the Numinous.
Since I am now so aware of it being there I am slowly learning to keep myself open to it. There are times when I am tired, often in pain, and working myself into a fine emotional mess and I will simply remember to take that breath, and to open heart and soul and mind to the Holiness of the All That Is.
I am still kicking myself for not praying, or lifting up a phone and calling folks, but with fear sometimes comes stupidity! Or as a wise man once put it…
“Fear is the mind killer,
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration
I will face my fear
I will permit it to pass over me and through me
And when it has gone past,
I will turn the Inner Eye to see its path
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing
Only I will remain.” ~(c) Frank Herbert
So, as I was trying to say before one of my frequent digressions…
Breathing and being open to the Numinous have become an unavoidable part of my journey these days.
I truly believe that if we open ourselves to it, to the Numinous, the Gods, and The All That Is, that the Holy ones still speak to us Pagani; just not always in the ways we are expecting Them to!
There have also been some synchronous moments where I choose to believe the Divines decided to give me a little nudging advice… like when I first became aware of the Numinous and the first song I heard on the radio was Miley Cyrus’ The Climb, and recently before facing a particularly BS filled day at one of the part time jobs… Lady Gaga’s Pokerface popped up twice on two very different stations on my morning commute, so I smiled, struggled to remember to breathe, played it cool, and resisted the urge to slap the baditude out of a number of folks.
I had the chance to use a Birthday Gift Certificate recently and purchased Kissing The Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle. This is an excellent book and it has helped me find, and rediscover, some of the practices that nourish my soul. Like remembering to breath…
“Air is the conduit for life and all connection. We breathe together, conspiring. We breath with the Gods, inspired. We create, we rest, we play, and we work, all on the rhythm of our breath. Each time we inhale, we breathe in life. Each time we exhale, we breathe out connection. All living things share in the power of air.
We are trained out of proper breathing by tension, fear, and disconnection from our physical bodies. To breathe properly, we must get in touch with our bodies. Whether you are an intellectual, an athlete, a homebody, or an avid outdoors lover, awareness of the physical is paramount to living fully. To be in touch with Nature, we can begin by looking at our physical selves.” ~ T. Thorn Coyle, Kissing the Limitless (c) 2009
Actually even though I am still in the midst of reading it I took the liberty of adding it to my recommended reading list. In this book She presents a number of practices and exercises that people of any spiritual or magickal tradition could take up in their individual quests. I cannot reccomend this book enough!
In addition to proper breathing, and openness, I have been inspired by this book to begin expanding my Daily and Regular Practices…
I have been starting small, getting up a little early and trying to just sit in silence for a while… not really meditating… just sort of being still and quite and just being… but not worrying if my mind wander… as is it’s wont!
I have prepped a candle holder and candle and will begin, once more, to meditate on the candle flame. In addition to opening my awareness to more things, I must work on my focus in both spiritual and mundane matters.
Including why it is that I have been so afraid, in the face of the Big Guys illness, to reach out to my friends or to the Deities. Although even as I write these words I know that it was centered in a feeling of helplessness, and hopelessness, and fear of the Worst Possible Outcomes… some of which is ingrained in me from being raised by two children of The Great Depression, one of whom probably suffered from Clinical Depression….
Yet, even knowing the background of it, my fear… I must also strive to learn from it and learn how to face it, how to handle it more sanely, in the future. I need to keep at my spiritual journey.
I need to Breath, and to remain Open, I need to keep listening to the many different ways the All That Is speaks to me each day.